I am now officially a scrounger…

So not only does my husband no longer want me, I also lost my job at the end of May.

To be fair, I was very happy to be getting away from it but everything kinda happened at once, and going through a separation is hard enough on its own, without no job on top!

I was a teaching assistant in a primary school. I found it really enjoyable in the beginning, loved it, thought I had finally found my path in life….then a ten year old decided to shout and swear in my face and hit me…my working life desintergrated before my eyes.

I lost my confidence in my ability to do my job, I felt nervous around the children…and eventually I started to experience anxiety which led to depression. I was signed off work and I never went back. Through mutual agreement my contract was terminated and I was unemployed.

So now I am a number in the welfare system….claiming Job Seekers allowance, tax credit etc etc. I have worked, albeit a couple of years through having my children, since I was 14 years old, so I don’t feel guilty about getting this help now, as I need it.

It can be soul destroying, applying for jobs you know you could do standing on your head, but constantly getting either the cold shoulder from employers, or knock backs.

I didn’t ask to be in this position, but find myself in it….it is very depressing.

Thank god for Twitter is all I can say! I can pop on there and within minutes I am either laughing out loud, or having a hot debate… Even a cheeky flirt now and again. It always seems to put a smile on my face.

Fed up with being me…

It’s now three months since my husband and I split, and it has been very up and down, to say the least, in that time.

We are currently on really good terms, kinda like best mates in a way, which is good for the kids. For them to see their parents getting along, not arguing and generally agreeing on stuff, must make the transition for them much easier. And, for me, their happiness and security is the main priority.

There is a downside to this though, I have neglected myself, which, to be honest, I have been doing the whole 18 years me and him were together. But for these past three months, I have been constantly thinking about how this is affecting everyone else, apart from me, and this has kinda hit me like a brick today.

I am feeling many things, I actually didn’t realise a person could have this much going through their bodies without combusting.

Mainly, though, I am feeling utterly and desperately worthless.

I an worried that I will grow old by myself and never find happiness again. People tend to like my personality, but not the package it comes in, and unfortunately we live in a society that’s judges by the outside first.

So maybe my destiny is to be alone…and quite frankly, if that is the case, I am really not looking forward to my future.

I am just fed up with being me at the moment.