Being a Veggie.

Yes, I am a vegetarian

No, I am not going to stand on a soap box and preach about it. That’s just not me.

Why am I a veggie? Well, simple really, I just can’t detach myself from the fact that the meat on the plate once belonged to a lovely, breathing, alive animal. 

I see it jumping around the field in my head, looking cute and all that jazz. Call me mental, but that is how my brain works.

I have been a vegetarian since I was 12 years old. I think we did something on food chains at school, watched a few documentaries and that was it. What I had seen could never be unseen…my fragile brain scarred for life.

From that day on I was a pain for my Mum at dinner times, all the rest of my family being complete carnivores,taking down a pig with their bare hands if circumstance required it.

My ex husband too, is a meat eater. I would cook him animals though, using precautions to prepare it, such as gloves – latex, not fluffy wool ones. 

When the kids were born it never entered my head to bring them up as vegetarians, and would never consider it. That, in my opinion, isn’t right or fair on them. That’s taking away their choice. 

As it happens my son will only eat certain meat products, but my daughter could quite happily live in the wild,hunt animals, stripping them down for parts and then making a necklace with their bones.

She wants to be a zoo keeper by the way, so adores animals just as much as me, she just likes eating them too.

So that’s it really, no great story as to why, just prefer my animals still breathing…

Leaf out of the Ex’s book….

Was talking to my ex, Phil, the other day and am considering taking leaf out of his book in regards to dating. 

Since we split he has had one serious girlfriend, which lasted a year before she cheated on him, and countless dates, and when I say countless, I mean that I have totally lost track of the amount of women he has met via various dating apps, some of which resulted in more than one date, others, didn’t even get to that stage. 

Phil can’t be on his own. We have had this discussion, more than once, and I tell him that he should just enjoy being single, but, he is just unable to. 

Even before I was with him he went from one girl to the next, without a gap inbetween, more often than not, an overlap.

He just can’t be on his own. 

So when his first serious relationship since we split, ended…he downloaded about four dating apps, Tinder being one. 

His phone never stops chiming…matched on this app, so and so has ‘liked’ you on the other one, it’s never ending. He seems to be a very popular guy, which, in the beginning made me jealous as hell. Hated that these women were liking him, but of course, this had nothing to do with me anymore. 

My friend is on Match.com and she has had a few bad experiences with men. On guy actually went further than she gave permission for, and she hasn’t been on the site since. 

You hear lots of stories from people on social media about dating sites and apps, not many of them are positive…

So weighing everything up I have always chose not to bother with them, erring on the side of caution.

People always judge on your photo, it’s human nature and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t done it too. But the thought of a stranger looking at my profile and discarding me because of the way I look just brings out all sorts of anxiety in me. 

I was told last week, by a very dear friend, to not hold out hopes of a connection on Twitter, to “get myself out there and meet someone in real life” But here also lies a problem, I suffer with social anxiety, have no confidence or self esteem, so any opportunity that comes up to go down the pub, or to meet new people, I will find any excuse not to go. 

I feel paranoid when I go out, think people are looking and judging me because I carry a few extra pounds..so this in turn causes all sorts of problems for me. So…I just don’t go…

So how will I meet someone in real life if I don’t put myself out there

Rock and a hard place. 

So, do I carry on as I am or do I take a leaf out of Phil’s book and join a dating app and just take the knock backs and judgement on the chin?

I have no idea.

My brother…

In an earlier post I mentioned that I had fallen out with one of my brothers…thought I would elaborate.

I have, in actual fact, three older brothers; Adrian (48), Simon (46) and Chris (44)

Adrian and Chris both live in Scotland and have done for a long time. They both have Scottish wives and Scottish children and both, are what I call, normal.

Simon has never lived in Scotland, he chose to stay behind in 1993 when we first moved up, having both a girlfriend and a job he enjoyed. He has lived in the same village, since my parents moved there in 1978, and that has always been his choice. 

He never had time for me growing up, being 7 years older, I’m not surprised really, and I don’t hold that against him. He was always in trouble, didn’t like authority and always did as he pleased. My parents were always being called up the school for one reason or another, then as he got older, it was the police we had at the door. We were raided when I was about 13…he had been knicking car radios, and they were stashed, unbeknownst to us all, under his bed. 

My parents had a rough time with him, mainly due to the company he was keeping at the time.

When he met Ruth, he calmed down a lot…she was really good for him. He stopped the thieving and weed smoking and settled down. My parents didn’t have any problems leaving him behind when we moved to Edinburgh. 

Three years of living away from him, Ruth cheated on him with one of his friends…heartbroken didn’t come close. I was going out with Phil at that time and had only just come back from visiting them, when Simon rang us to tell of Ruth’s deceit. 

Here started a downward spiral for him…he got heavily into cocaine, and he began to drink a lot too.He slept with anything that moved, and just took no interest in life whatsoever. We were all very worried about him, but were so far away. 

I fell pregnant, and when I was 7 months gone had this overwhelming need to move back home. My parents were still in Scotland, but I just needed to be in Portsmouth again, so, Phil and I moved back home…

We lived with Simon for a while, this helped him sort himself out, especially with me being pregnant. He stopped the drugs and drink and really looked out for me. When I had my son, I named him Symon, after my big brother. 

My parents, Mum especially, wanted to move back to Portsmouth after I had baby Symon, so they did…we all got a place together because I felt that I needed my Mum to help. Being only 21, I felt I needed the support..so we left Simon’s and went to live near the sea, Hayling Island.

Bit of a mistake really as Simon was then left on his own and he started his bad habits again.

He bumped into a girl on a night out, we all grew up together and to be honest, she had a bit of a bad reputation, so when he told me who he had shacked up with my alarm bells started to ring and I warned him off her…did he listen? Did he heck.

He married her…stupid bloody idiot. 

They had two children very close together. She didn’t want anymore children, she already had two by two different father’s, but as she didn’t want to lose Simon, she had two kids with him.

She always resented those boys..and that showed in her parenting skills. They were dragged up and Simon just fell in line behind her. My Mum even felt the need to call social services because she was so worried about them..

By this time Phil and I had had another child, our daughter Elidah (Pronounced ‘Aylee’ this is a Celtic name that everyone gets wrong). We had also bought a house about three miles away from Simon, yet…we hardly saw him. 

One night there is a knock on the door, Phil answered and there was my brother, ripped shirt, bloodied face and white as a sheet.

His wife had done this to him, in front of their children. 

I was furious and had to be stopped from going to my brother’s house and punching my Sister in Law in the face.

That was the end of their marriage. Simon lived with us for a year after that, till he sorted himself out, got back on his feet. 

His relationship with his Ex wife is very volatile to this day, and those poor boys have always been in the middle. 

Anyway, I have digressed far too much! 

My brother and I have fallen out because he can’t understand or accept that Phil and I are friends after our split. 

He hates Phil for leaving me and will never forgive him. He thinks we should be at each other’s throats on a daily basis. That I should hate him till my dying breath and that he no longer has a place in my family. 

He tried to stop Phil seeing our children on Christmas day last year, at my parent’s house. Told my Mum and Dad that if they let Phil into their house he would disown them. 

He never once thought about my children’s feelings, or put them first. He only cared about his hate and anger towards Phil. 

In some ways it was like Phil had split up from him, such was his behaviour…comical really.

So, for the distress he caused my children, myself and my parents last year, I haven’t spoken to him since. 

If he wants to build bridges with me, he knows where I am. But for me to forgive he needs to understand that Phil is my children’s father, and he is a bloody good one, and he will always be a part of their and my life, and if he can’t accept that, then there’s nothing more to say.

Sad really after all we’ve been through.

Hemmed In..

Tonight I just want to run away, miles and miles away. 

Living with my family is proving extremely difficult and to be honest, the way I am feeling right now, I’m not sure how long I can do it. 

I just need to get this all down…to unburden myself from all these thoughts and feelings going through my head as I can’t do it in front of my parents, they already worry enough about me, without me having a complete breakdown in front of them.

 My eldest brother, who I live with half of the week, is treating me like a child….makes me feel I can’t make decisions for myself, questions whether my 17 year old son and 13 year old daughter can be left alone in the house without me. I will just add, my kids are really well behaved and have given him no reason to think they can’t be left alone, without adult supervision. 

I feel claustrophobic, hemmed in…. I want to scream right now, and lock myself away and cry. I am trapped with nowhere to go.

Really think I’ve made the wrong decision coming here. 

Still single…

20 months and counting….

Well actually, I’m not really keeping track as it’s not the most important thing to me right now. I’m single…so what?! I was with my ex husband for 18 years, gave that everything I had, so in actual fact, it’s nice to just concentrate on me for a change. 

Him leaving me however, raised a lot of issues I have with myself, to the surface. 

Being on Twitter, @JustMeHere1977, I have had my fair share of flirtations, because lets be honest, lots of people use it as a platform to meet someone. Been led up the garden path more than once…heart broken and left to feel like a gullible idiot, once. Had my eyes opened to lots of questionable behaviour, countless times. 

I don’t care what people say, so many attached people use it to boost their ego’s, have a bit of fun without the other half knowing, send and receive, in some cases, rather tasteless photos of their genitals…the list is endless. And because this happens, so many people end up confused and hurt. 

As I said earlier, this has happened to me and now I have a wall permanently around me, I question everything, am suspicious of everyone and in turn this dampened my love for Twitter. 

I took a wee (already speaking Scottish!) Break, reevaluated my view of Twitter, and came back with a different attitude towards it. 

Don’t get me wrong I follow a couple of men that ‘I so would’ but just haven’t got the confidence to do anything about it. 

Actually that last bit is a lie…I did ask one guy out for a no strings coffee and he turned me down. He said something along the lines of ‘it’s just Twitter’ so that kinda put me off asking anyone again!

That felt like shit but I have learnt the hard way that you’ve got to take the knocks and come back fighting. 

Move to the Land of Scot…

Coming to the decision to move back to Scotland wasn’t an easy one to make. I had already lived in Edinburgh twice in my life, once when I was 16 and again when I was 25. Both times didn’t make me particularly happy and both times ended in me moving back down to England.

When my marriage ended my parents wanted me back up straight away…wanted to wrap me in cotton wool, to take care of me and make everything ok. But, I didn’t want to. 

 Portsmouth is my home, I feel happy there…know what bus to catch to different places, times of the trains etc. My life is there, so even though my husband no longer wanted to be with me, I still wanted to remain in the place I felt at home. 

As time went on, after Phil had moved out, it soon became apparent that I couldn’t afford to keep the house we had lived in for the past eleven years. When you claim JSA and own a house they only pay so much towards the mortgage, not like if you were in a rented property and the whole monthly charge is paid. I started to become more and more in arrears with the mortgage, so made the decision to sell the house. 

Luckily the house was only on the market for 20 days before we got an offer. It was a good, solid offer so we accepted. 

Things progressed very quickly from there…I started looking for a house to privately rent, but that was proving to have issues of it’s own. 

Even though I was in receipt of benefits, I would have to find the money for one months rent and deposit plus the Estate agent fees…nearly two thousand pound. I just couldn’t afford this. Also, as a benefit receiver I would also have to have a guarantor, someone to pay my rent if I found I could not…I had no one. 

Homelessness was a real possibility at this point. 

I went to the council to explain my situation, but they were less than helpful, stating they could only step in and help if we turned up at the offices, with our suitcases, with nowhere to go. 

So after sitting, and thinking, a lot I came to the decision to move back to Scotland to be nearer my family. I needed their support right now even though it really wasn’t the choice I wanted to make. 

My parents where obviously delighted at my decision, as were my brothers…

My children and I are currently living with my brother and his family. My parents live five minutes down the road so I see them everyday. On Monday I go to sort out my accomadation as I need my own space. Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful to my family for helping us out, and I will never be able to repay them, but they have their own lives to live, their own routines and I am finding fitting around that, without being a burden very difficult. 

I am determined to make this work, to make a new, happy life for me and the kids…it’s just very early days and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.