Unrequited Love…

Is a bitch isn’t it? I’m sure all of us, sometime in our lives have had feelings for someone that just don’t feel that way back. Maybe they are married, have a partner, gay, too young or too old, or are single but just don’t fancy you, whatever the reason, it sucks big style.

I’m dealing with this at the moment…I wouldn’t say I love him, because I don’t know him deeply enough for that, but I definitely care about him and his life. Want the best for him and ultimately want him to be happy…just wish I could be part of that happiness, but I know that is never likely to happen. 

Jealousy is a very ugly trait, but a very common one, and again, everyone has felt that horrible feeling, bubbling up in the pit of their stomach at some time in their life, and I have felt it a lot recently.

It could be spurred on by anything; a reference, photo or comment, but when jealousy rears it’s ugly head, it is really hard to ignore.

 I keep thinking ‘why can’t it be me’ that annoying, tormenting voice in my head won’t shut up at times, and it’s all I think about, then, other days I hardly think about it at all…till I see something, then it starts again. 

I know, in time, I’ll get over him and move on, but now is just not that time, it is what it is, but I’ll get there in the end, I always do. 

Done….or am I?

So today I came very close to shutting both my Twitter account and this blog all because of some faceless, immature people. 

Nothing more than bullies really but Twitter is rife with them. 

It seemed to come from all sides…firstly a man commented on my last blog post, having a dig about me ‘taking Twitter too seriously’ and for blocking someone for just having a different opinon to mine. I don’t know who this man was, I’d obviously had a disagreement with him on Twitter that led to me blocking him. 

Should feel grateful that I made such an impression on him, that he sort me out to air his grievance. 

Then I was informed that an old Twitter acquaintance, who I had blocked the day before for reasons he wouldn’t be happy about me making public, had taken a screen shot of my profile with the message informing him he was blocked from viewing, and posted it on his TL for all his followers to see, some of which, follow me too.

The height of maturity…. He’s an intelligent man aswell, which makes it all the more sadder.

Then, I was informed again ( Twitter is a very small place) that the lovely woman that has a vendetta against me has been slagging me and my blog off on her TL…

That’s entirely her prerogative as it’s her TL and she can say what she likes, it’s just becoming very boring, repetitive and again, immature. 

Anyway, all this coming at me in the space of a few hours took it’s toll and I really just wanted to jack it all in. Let’s face it, there’s only so much one person can take, and I am pretty thin skinned about stuff like this.

When I woke up this morning I was in the mindset to go – I felt that Twitter wasn’t the best place for someone like me. I put out a tweet to inform people I was thinking about going…I needed more time to think.

Well, all I will say is that I was overwhelmed by the amount of messages I received asking me to stay, to ignore the haters.

These people made me remember why I joined Twitter in the first place and reinforced my belief in folk. 

So, to each and everyone of you that went out of your way today to contact me, and you know who you are, from the bottom of my heart, thank you ❤

And to those of you that don’t like me, that would like to see me leave Twitter, who want to try and wear me down….🖕

NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

Lies…

I talk about Twitter a lot, I know this..but it’s because it is actually a big part of my life. Some people may think that’s extremely sad, pathetic even, but I don’t care what those people think…not anymore. 

I have fallen out with, had arguments and disagreements with, unfollowed and blocked loads of people over the 8yrs I’ve been a Twitter user. It happens…you’re not going to get on with everyone – just like in real life. 

Some people take being unfollowed or blocked to heart, I admit I used to be like that…not anymore. It is what it is. I will block only when I feel it is necessary – dick pic’s in my dm’s, persistent dming when asked not to and bullying being three main reasons.I unfollow if people don’t interact; this is a big issue for me. Why be on social media if you’re not going to talk, acknowledge or even tweet your own words (constant RT’s). I also unfollow people that post selfies all the time – why do it?! The odd one here and there, fine…but every bloody day? No need. Or photos of you in the bath, lying on your bed, pouting like a duck…No. Need.

Anyway, I am digressing, the actual point to this post is the lies and Chinese Whispers that frequent Twitter.It’s always going to happen, I can’t stop them, but they frustrate me so much. 

I know there are a lot of untruths floating round the Twittersphere about me, and many of you would say ‘Who cares what people have heard about you, or think about you, you know the truth, that’s all that matters’ That’s all very well and good, but when you follow someone new for example, and they seem reluctant to talk, my mind goes into overdrive and the paranoia sets in. 

“Who’s said something to them?” “What have they heard?”

I think many friendships haven’t evolved because of this, and it’s that, that pisses me off.

So, what I am trying to say is, ask me. 

If you’ve heard a juicy tale about me and you want to know if it’s true…ask me. 

If you’ve heard I’ve done this, that and the other to Tom, Dick and Harry…ask me.

If I’ve blocked someone and you want to know why..just ask me. 

I am an open, honest person, and I’d like to think, approachable. I have nothing to hide, nothing. 

I care too much….

I do, I really do and I think that’s starting to become a problem for me. 

I have so much going on in my own life and head, yet I take other people’s worries and concerns on my shoulders too. Not any old people, people I care about; family, friends, people I have met and speak to on a regular basis on Twitter. I want to help them if I can, would go out of my way to do something, anything that would help, or make a difference to them. 

That’s just me. 

But I think in doing so, throughout my life, I have been used, treated like crap and tossed aside without a second thought – and that hurts. 

My Sis-in-Law warned me, before starting my course, after having told her it was open to women with all different kinds of issues- alcohol and substance abuse being two, that I wasn’t to go there and try and ‘fix’ anyone. 

She has known me since I was 17, she knows what I’m like – I want to help people. But she also knows what doing that over the years has done to my self esteem- she’s just trying to protect me, and I love her for that, but, I am what I am.

So, if you ever find yourself in a position where you need a shoulder, an ear or just to have your mind taken off something, and I offer, it comes from a place deep down inside me, it’s because I care about you and I just want to be there if you need someone.

I do however, think I just need to think more before I offer, as sometimes, it’s just not appreciated and I end up feeling hurt and rejected.

All for caring just a bit too much….

The wrong ones…

I always seem to fall for the wrong men. 

My Sister-in-Laws cousin for example, when I was 17. He was interested, but not enough to ignore his ex’s constant interference.

Bingo Wayne who failed to tell me about his girlfriend and daughter. 

Phil, my Ex-husband of 15yrs…who married me even though he really didn’t want to, and didn’t love me in the way I wanted. Have a friend for life in him though, so not all bad. 

Then there’s that pesky Twitter. The place where it is so easy to have banter, flirt and get very close to people without ever being in the same room as them. 

There is a path of broken hearts strewn around Twitter….so easy it is to grow close to, even fall in love with people. On the other hand it is easy to lead on, give false hope and blatantly lie to people. 

I fell very hard for a man on Twitter, not long after my marriage broke down. I was sad, lonely and extremely vulnerable, and he, we shall name him R, came into my life when I needed someone. 

We grew very close, sharing allsorts about our lives, personal stuff and often our conversations were of a sexual nature. It was just what I needed at that time, and looking back now, was a total rebound on my part. 

As time went on , little things were niggling at me, the main issue being, every time we tried to arrange meeting, something would happen his end – he had to work, or his family needed him, always something. Another issue was that, he never gave me his phone number, always skirted over the issue when I brought it up. Bottom line was that I didn’t trust him, so I told him I couldn’t do ‘this’ anymore….he understood, we unfollowed eachother, but didn’t block, and that was that. From going to speaking to him everyday, to nothing.

I thought about him a lot over the next couple of months, couldn’t seem to shake him. I missed him. 

So one day I just decided to send him a DM, just asking how he was, very informal…it wasn’t because I wanted him back (if I actually had him in the first place) it was just his friendship I missed. He answered  straight away, and we kinda just fell back into how it was before, although this time, not sexy talk. He told me he had been seeing someone, but it wasn’t serious, just a bit of fun. My heart still dropped though…this upset me and I felt disappointed.

Anyway, I found out the woman he was seeing was an ex friend of mine on Twitter…I thought about it, and realised her sudden unfriending of me coincided with them getting together…funny that.

When she found out he was talking to me again, she copped, big style and there ensued the start of my problems with a popular woman and her hangers on, on Twitter. It was just all too much and I told him that was it and I closed my account.

I have no idea if he is still with this woman, or if in fact he is still on Twitter – I no longer care, they are welcome to each other. 

In between and after R, there have been a few fellas I was drawn to, but; married, unattainable or just not interested in me back-which never comes as a surprise to me. 

I have male friends on Twitter that say lovely things about me, one today said I had charm, I laughed and said ‘if I have all this charm why can’t I get a bloke that I like, to like me back!’

Maybe I’m just attracted to the wrong ones on purpose, lifes way of having a laugh.

Maybe I should take my friends advice he gave me today and ‘get yourself out there and meet someone in the flesh’ but that brings it’s own set of problems, my social anxiety for one, my low self esteem and lack of confidence another. In my experience ( which is very limited) men prefer confident ladies, not ones that blush constantly and look at their shoes.

I suppose that’s why I like Twitter so much, people get to know me, without me getting myself into a quivering mess on the floor, and yes, I know Twitter isn’t a dating site, I’m not using it for that reason, it’s just an added bonus if you come across someone you fancy, or more importantly, connect with.

I have a ‘Twitter Crush’ right now, but I gave myself a good talking to today and have decided to drawn a line under it…no more. 

Until the next one ha!

Rejection..

So, I write this after having been rejected for a job, yet again

Wasn’t even given an interview, AGAIN.

This job was well within my capabilites, I had confidence in my ability to do this job, I knew I could do it, but again…with the press of a button I was once again put into the reject pile.

People who have been in this situation will understand how I am feeling right now…

What’s the point? Will I ever be good enough? What more can I do to stand out to potential employers? How many more times will I be rejected? Why me? 

WHY ALWAYS ME? 

I joked on Twitter about becoming a prostitute, because, when something like this happens I make light of it, take the piss out of myself..when in actual fact I feel like crying, screaming even.

I just feel so frustrated, angry and upset..

If they had given me an interview, then decided I wasn’t right for the job, I could handle that better. At least they had actually spoken to me, asked me questions, given me an opportunity to sell myself. 

But this faceless rejection is just soul destroying. 

Rejection seems to be my middle name at the moment.

And quite frankly I’ve had enough.

Love..

Well seeing as it’s Valentines Day I thought I’d write a bit about love. 

It’s a funny old thing isn’t it? Doesn’t cost anything,but so hard to come by.

Looking back on my marriage I can honestly say I don’t think my ex loved me, well not in the way you’re ‘supposed’ to love your wife/husband. He cared about me, sure, he still does, but I never caught him just staring at me for no good reason, he never just spontaneously kissed me, or wrapped his arms around me for the sake of it. He said ‘I love you’ but now, they just seem like empty words, words that he felt he had to say, because I expected it. 

He never loved me in the way I, everyone, deserves and that makes me resentful, makes me angry. 

I look at couples in the streets, see how they behave towards each other,feel a pang of jealousy when they reach for eachother, or just simply hold hands – I want that. 

I’m not so stupid as to realise, it’s not always like that, that arguments happen, that jealousy is bubbling away under the surface- who knows what actually happens behind closed doors.But if there is love there..real “I’d do anything to make you happy” love, then you can overcome anything.

Well, that’s what I believe. Maybe I am deluded, maybe life isn’t like that, but…I want to believe it is. 

I want to believe there is someone out there for everyone. 

I want to believe there is someone out there for me. Someone who will accept me, wobbles and all. Who will accept my flaws and love them just as much as my strengths. Who will look at me for no particular reason other than to look. To laugh, cry and share with me

To love me.