I started a college course last week, just at short one, only lasts 6 weeks, but still, a huge step for me. It’s on personal development – we cover a range of topics including confidence and self esteem..which people that know me or have read the rest of my blog will know, I have very little of both of these.
Yesterday we were asked to draw a circle with six strands coming off it; kinda like a sun. Then we wrote our names in the middle and were told to pass the paper to the person on the left of us.
The tutor then asked us to write one word, by a strand, about the person who’s name was in the middle – something nice. Once you had written the word, pass it to the next person, so on and so forth till it got back to the person it belonged to.
Now, for many years I have felt very negatively about myself – the way I look, my weight, my likeability, whether I was loveable or not, and I had always believed that everyone felt the same way about me as I did about myself.
So I was very apprehensive about looking at my sun; wasn’t ready to see what this group of women I had only known for a week, thought about me.But I had to look as the tutor was expecting us all, individually, to read them out.
When I read them out my voice broke and I had trouble controlling my emotions, such were the lovely words I was reading.
Caring, friendly, articulate, literate, lovely and funny.
This is what this group of women thought about me, and it meant the world.
Made me realise that actually, I’m not all these negative things I thought I was for so many years,that maybe I am a nice person.
When I got back to my brother’s that afternoon I shut myself in the bathroom and cried. Sobbed in fact, all those years thinking I’m something I’m not. Years of mentally beating myself up, telling myself I’m not good enough, thinking no one will ever love me – that I didn’t deserve love.
Well, I am good enough, I am a nice person, and you know what, any bloke would be lucky to have me.
Yes, I have a few wobbly body bits, not the best looking lass, and snort when I laugh, but I am also honest, loyal, funny and love with every inch of my heart.
This is the start of the new more positive Angie, I am no longer going to be sat in the corner hoping to be ignored, I am gonna start living my life, grabbing stuff with both hands and enjoying every minute of it.