The wrong ones…

I always seem to fall for the wrong men. 

My Sister-in-Laws cousin for example, when I was 17. He was interested, but not enough to ignore his ex’s constant interference.

Bingo Wayne who failed to tell me about his girlfriend and daughter. 

Phil, my Ex-husband of 15yrs…who married me even though he really didn’t want to, and didn’t love me in the way I wanted. Have a friend for life in him though, so not all bad. 

Then there’s that pesky Twitter. The place where it is so easy to have banter, flirt and get very close to people without ever being in the same room as them. 

There is a path of broken hearts strewn around Twitter….so easy it is to grow close to, even fall in love with people. On the other hand it is easy to lead on, give false hope and blatantly lie to people. 

I fell very hard for a man on Twitter, not long after my marriage broke down. I was sad, lonely and extremely vulnerable, and he, we shall name him R, came into my life when I needed someone. 

We grew very close, sharing allsorts about our lives, personal stuff and often our conversations were of a sexual nature. It was just what I needed at that time, and looking back now, was a total rebound on my part. 

As time went on , little things were niggling at me, the main issue being, every time we tried to arrange meeting, something would happen his end – he had to work, or his family needed him, always something. Another issue was that, he never gave me his phone number, always skirted over the issue when I brought it up. Bottom line was that I didn’t trust him, so I told him I couldn’t do ‘this’ anymore….he understood, we unfollowed eachother, but didn’t block, and that was that. From going to speaking to him everyday, to nothing.

I thought about him a lot over the next couple of months, couldn’t seem to shake him. I missed him. 

So one day I just decided to send him a DM, just asking how he was, very informal…it wasn’t because I wanted him back (if I actually had him in the first place) it was just his friendship I missed. He answered  straight away, and we kinda just fell back into how it was before, although this time, not sexy talk. He told me he had been seeing someone, but it wasn’t serious, just a bit of fun. My heart still dropped though…this upset me and I felt disappointed.

Anyway, I found out the woman he was seeing was an ex friend of mine on Twitter…I thought about it, and realised her sudden unfriending of me coincided with them getting together…funny that.

When she found out he was talking to me again, she copped, big style and there ensued the start of my problems with a popular woman and her hangers on, on Twitter. It was just all too much and I told him that was it and I closed my account.

I have no idea if he is still with this woman, or if in fact he is still on Twitter – I no longer care, they are welcome to each other. 

In between and after R, there have been a few fellas I was drawn to, but; married, unattainable or just not interested in me back-which never comes as a surprise to me. 

I have male friends on Twitter that say lovely things about me, one today said I had charm, I laughed and said ‘if I have all this charm why can’t I get a bloke that I like, to like me back!’

Maybe I’m just attracted to the wrong ones on purpose, lifes way of having a laugh.

Maybe I should take my friends advice he gave me today and ‘get yourself out there and meet someone in the flesh’ but that brings it’s own set of problems, my social anxiety for one, my low self esteem and lack of confidence another. In my experience ( which is very limited) men prefer confident ladies, not ones that blush constantly and look at their shoes.

I suppose that’s why I like Twitter so much, people get to know me, without me getting myself into a quivering mess on the floor, and yes, I know Twitter isn’t a dating site, I’m not using it for that reason, it’s just an added bonus if you come across someone you fancy, or more importantly, connect with.

I have a ‘Twitter Crush’ right now, but I gave myself a good talking to today and have decided to drawn a line under it…no more. 

Until the next one ha!

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2 thoughts on “The wrong ones…

  1. It’s been a busy week with the blogging Anj. I always read your blogs with interest, mainly because there is a lot I can relate to and I like your open and honest approach. Perhaps too much beating yourself up at times? I was musing that when I read you tweets and posts you come over as a ballsy sort of lass who doesn’t suffer fools kindly and calls a spade a spade. Then I see you say you have low esteem and lack self confidence, sort of forms a paradox in my mind. This is not a criticism, just a light musing over in my mind and I think I sort of understand. I think you need to work through that and the only way is – as someone else has mentioned – to get yourself out there.Drama groups, art and craft classes or that sort of thing, follow up your interests and try to find groups of people who might share those. You know how pleased you were when on your course other people had the opportunity to comment on you? Not sure if that helps or not, some of that worked for me but some people who I hooked up and formed a relationship with did cause me a lot of personal pain.

    Like

    1. The reason I come across on Twitter as ‘ballsy’ is because I am, that is me…inside. I am always me on Twitter, always honest and never fake. In real life, I am still that girl, but inside. I do have low self esteem and no confidence in myself. I like who I am on the inside, but not the package it comes in. I suffer from clinical depression, which is under control, and anxiety, which I struggle with. That’s why I can’t just ‘get out there’ it’s just not as easy as that. It took everything I had in me to go on that course…one thing at a time for me. I am a working progress…

      Liked by 1 person

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