Breakdown

So, yesterday I had a complete breakdown over my situation. 

Anxiety attack, tears, the works.

It wasn’t nice, and came on so suddenly, I literally had no control over it; just had to weather the storm till it passed.

The main issue is the housing. Living with family at any age is tough, but when you’re nearly 40, have two teenagers and have run your own house for 20yrs, then have to go back to living with your parents, it really takes it’s toll. 

For those that don’t know, after my husband left we had to take the tough decision to sell the family home. I wasn’t working due to ill health and couldn’t afford to continue living there. He had moved out into a small studio flat, was supporting me financially with the kids, but couldn’t afford to pay his rent plus the mortgage aswell, so…we had no choice.

Luckily for us, the sale of the house was very quick. But, being unemployed was proving an obstacle for me to secure private accommodation. Landlords didn’t want DSS folk living in their houses;we are all tied with the same brush. 

The council housing situation in the South of England is dire. Maggie Thatcher having the bright idea to let council tennant’s buy their properties at low prices has left a shortfall; just not enough houses for the demand. I was told I’d wait 7yrs for a house.

My only option, down there, was to go to the council, on the day we had to vacate our house, bags in hand with nowhere to go. They would then put us in temporary accommodation.

Now, their temporary accommodation is a hostel basically. My son, daughter and myself would be put in one room, we’d have to share a kitchen and bathroom with at least four other families. 

I also wouldn’t have any control over where we were housed; could’ve been anywhere in Portsmouth, and this would’ve affected my daughter’s schooling. 

They had just been through their parents splitting up and their home being sold, I wasn’t going to put them in a situation like that. 

So, my only other option was to move to Scotland, where my family live. They said they would help out as much as they could, that the social housing situation is better up there and I probably wouldn’t have to wait long for a house.

So, that’s what we did, I took the extremely difficult decision to move the kids away from their Dad, packed very lightly considering the stuff I had accumulated over the years, and moved, 500 miles away. 

That was at the beginning of December.My son is living with my Brother and his family,my daughter with my parents, and I split my time between the two houses as there just isn’t enough room at either for me to be there permanently. 

I am on the housing list, classed as ‘homeless’ but not ‘roofless’ as we are living with family. They keep telling me I have a good number of housing points and that it’s just a waiting game; they can’t tell me how long I’ll be waiting either.

I have been looking into private renting but face the same issues as down South. Landlords just don’t want unemployed people in their houses. 

So, this is the situation I have been living in for four months and quite frankly I’ve had enough.I need stability, not just for me but for my kids, who, may I just add have been amazing throughout all this. I need somewhere that I can call mine. All this backwards and forwards between my brother’s and my parents is really waring me down. I feel as if I’ve nothing left to give….

Twitter is my only sanctuary at the moment, so to those who go out of their way to make my day brighter, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. And please,keep doing it as sometimes, I just want to run away from it all and yesterday’s breakdown proves that.

I just want to disappear sometimes but I know that’s not the answer. And I know you guy’s are aware that I’m lonely, and I also know that shouldn’t be at the fore front of my mind, but sometimes, I think it would be easier if I had someone to share all this with, someone to just put their arms around me and tell me everything’s going to be okay, because some days, I really don’t think it’s going to be…

Running away….

Haven’t written a post in a little while, not sure why to be honest; not in the mood, nothing to say, head not in it, who knows.

Today, however I feel I need to write as I have many thoughts whizzing around my brain and I just don’t know what to do with them all, and quite frankly, once again, I feel like running away. 

Somewhere remote, surrounded by nothingness…sounds perfect to me and to be totally honest, if I didn’t have the kids, I’d do it. Probably would’ve done it two years ago when Phil left.

I wouldn’t even take my mobile, laptop or computer…

‘What would she do without Twitter’ I hear you cry! 

I didn’t have Twitter before 2009 and I was ok,I’m sure I would cope.

So, things in my life haven’t really moved on; still unemployed, still without a home of my own, still single with feelings for someone I can’t have….

I know I should be thankful for so many things…my physical health is good, I have my kids and family. I do have a roof over my head, warmth and food, and for all those things I am grateful; things could be a lot worse, I know.

But I still yearn for the things I haven’t got; a place to call my own, four walls that are mine – stability. 

A job I am happy in and everything that brings with it.

Someone who I love and loves me back; warts and all. Kisses, hugs; to be wanted.

Trouble with that is, when your heart is in a place where it shouldn’t be, it’s hard to see what’s around you…but, I’m working on it.

I think I thought things would’ve progressed for me by now… I know the streets aren’t paved with gold up here in Scotland, but I hoped it would be a fresh start for me, so far..it’s falling short of that but I guess, it’s only been four months.

I am just looking forward to that persistent need to run away, to not be there anymore. To feel so happy and content with my life that I don’t want to hide away in the middle of nowhere with no way of anyone contacting me. 

I just want to be free.