No Strings?

I have been offered some no strings sex. 

Now, some of you may not think this is a big deal, people go out and shack up with folk on a regular basis. Some people have ‘fuck buddies’; ring them up, ask if they’re up for it, and away they go. 

For others, a one night stand is a way of life, don’t form attachments; easier that way.

This has never been the case for me. Having only slept with one man my entire life, I associate sex with feelings; love.

The thought of sharing myself intimately with someone I barley know, brings out all kinds of anxiety and issues with me, let alone the whole ‘feelings’ thing. 

So, after talking to a male friend, he offered me some; no strings sex, a one off, no attachment formed union. 

He knows how I feel about sex, he also knows I have major hang ups about my body, that I have no confidence and am literally petrified about having sex with anyone, let alone him. But, he understands, he is my friend first and foremost and I trust him. Yet, I’m still scared. The offer is on the table, no strings, no pressure, I just need to think hard and decide whether this is the best way to get over these hang ups I have.

I feel, if I don’t do anything, just sit back and wait, then I’ll be waiting a long time, and life will be continually passing me by.

So, maybe this is the answer?

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Life.

When you absolutely hate your life and have nowhere to turn, what do you do?

When you feel you have no one other than a blog to say this to, because no one is listening, what do you do?

Any ideas? 

Because I have none.

Maybe just a bad day, maybe just a bad week. 

Who knows. 

One thing I do know, If I could drive; had a car, I would be in it now, just driving, not knowing my destination, just driving, far away.

Breakdown

So, yesterday I had a complete breakdown over my situation. 

Anxiety attack, tears, the works.

It wasn’t nice, and came on so suddenly, I literally had no control over it; just had to weather the storm till it passed.

The main issue is the housing. Living with family at any age is tough, but when you’re nearly 40, have two teenagers and have run your own house for 20yrs, then have to go back to living with your parents, it really takes it’s toll. 

For those that don’t know, after my husband left we had to take the tough decision to sell the family home. I wasn’t working due to ill health and couldn’t afford to continue living there. He had moved out into a small studio flat, was supporting me financially with the kids, but couldn’t afford to pay his rent plus the mortgage aswell, so…we had no choice.

Luckily for us, the sale of the house was very quick. But, being unemployed was proving an obstacle for me to secure private accommodation. Landlords didn’t want DSS folk living in their houses;we are all tied with the same brush. 

The council housing situation in the South of England is dire. Maggie Thatcher having the bright idea to let council tennant’s buy their properties at low prices has left a shortfall; just not enough houses for the demand. I was told I’d wait 7yrs for a house.

My only option, down there, was to go to the council, on the day we had to vacate our house, bags in hand with nowhere to go. They would then put us in temporary accommodation.

Now, their temporary accommodation is a hostel basically. My son, daughter and myself would be put in one room, we’d have to share a kitchen and bathroom with at least four other families. 

I also wouldn’t have any control over where we were housed; could’ve been anywhere in Portsmouth, and this would’ve affected my daughter’s schooling. 

They had just been through their parents splitting up and their home being sold, I wasn’t going to put them in a situation like that. 

So, my only other option was to move to Scotland, where my family live. They said they would help out as much as they could, that the social housing situation is better up there and I probably wouldn’t have to wait long for a house.

So, that’s what we did, I took the extremely difficult decision to move the kids away from their Dad, packed very lightly considering the stuff I had accumulated over the years, and moved, 500 miles away. 

That was at the beginning of December.My son is living with my Brother and his family,my daughter with my parents, and I split my time between the two houses as there just isn’t enough room at either for me to be there permanently. 

I am on the housing list, classed as ‘homeless’ but not ‘roofless’ as we are living with family. They keep telling me I have a good number of housing points and that it’s just a waiting game; they can’t tell me how long I’ll be waiting either.

I have been looking into private renting but face the same issues as down South. Landlords just don’t want unemployed people in their houses. 

So, this is the situation I have been living in for four months and quite frankly I’ve had enough.I need stability, not just for me but for my kids, who, may I just add have been amazing throughout all this. I need somewhere that I can call mine. All this backwards and forwards between my brother’s and my parents is really waring me down. I feel as if I’ve nothing left to give….

Twitter is my only sanctuary at the moment, so to those who go out of their way to make my day brighter, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. And please,keep doing it as sometimes, I just want to run away from it all and yesterday’s breakdown proves that.

I just want to disappear sometimes but I know that’s not the answer. And I know you guy’s are aware that I’m lonely, and I also know that shouldn’t be at the fore front of my mind, but sometimes, I think it would be easier if I had someone to share all this with, someone to just put their arms around me and tell me everything’s going to be okay, because some days, I really don’t think it’s going to be…

Running away….

Haven’t written a post in a little while, not sure why to be honest; not in the mood, nothing to say, head not in it, who knows.

Today, however I feel I need to write as I have many thoughts whizzing around my brain and I just don’t know what to do with them all, and quite frankly, once again, I feel like running away. 

Somewhere remote, surrounded by nothingness…sounds perfect to me and to be totally honest, if I didn’t have the kids, I’d do it. Probably would’ve done it two years ago when Phil left.

I wouldn’t even take my mobile, laptop or computer…

‘What would she do without Twitter’ I hear you cry! 

I didn’t have Twitter before 2009 and I was ok,I’m sure I would cope.

So, things in my life haven’t really moved on; still unemployed, still without a home of my own, still single with feelings for someone I can’t have….

I know I should be thankful for so many things…my physical health is good, I have my kids and family. I do have a roof over my head, warmth and food, and for all those things I am grateful; things could be a lot worse, I know.

But I still yearn for the things I haven’t got; a place to call my own, four walls that are mine – stability. 

A job I am happy in and everything that brings with it.

Someone who I love and loves me back; warts and all. Kisses, hugs; to be wanted.

Trouble with that is, when your heart is in a place where it shouldn’t be, it’s hard to see what’s around you…but, I’m working on it.

I think I thought things would’ve progressed for me by now… I know the streets aren’t paved with gold up here in Scotland, but I hoped it would be a fresh start for me, so far..it’s falling short of that but I guess, it’s only been four months.

I am just looking forward to that persistent need to run away, to not be there anymore. To feel so happy and content with my life that I don’t want to hide away in the middle of nowhere with no way of anyone contacting me. 

I just want to be free.

Unrequited Love…

Is a bitch isn’t it? I’m sure all of us, sometime in our lives have had feelings for someone that just don’t feel that way back. Maybe they are married, have a partner, gay, too young or too old, or are single but just don’t fancy you, whatever the reason, it sucks big style.

I’m dealing with this at the moment…I wouldn’t say I love him, because I don’t know him deeply enough for that, but I definitely care about him and his life. Want the best for him and ultimately want him to be happy…just wish I could be part of that happiness, but I know that is never likely to happen. 

Jealousy is a very ugly trait, but a very common one, and again, everyone has felt that horrible feeling, bubbling up in the pit of their stomach at some time in their life, and I have felt it a lot recently.

It could be spurred on by anything; a reference, photo or comment, but when jealousy rears it’s ugly head, it is really hard to ignore.

 I keep thinking ‘why can’t it be me’ that annoying, tormenting voice in my head won’t shut up at times, and it’s all I think about, then, other days I hardly think about it at all…till I see something, then it starts again. 

I know, in time, I’ll get over him and move on, but now is just not that time, it is what it is, but I’ll get there in the end, I always do. 

Done….or am I?

So today I came very close to shutting both my Twitter account and this blog all because of some faceless, immature people. 

Nothing more than bullies really but Twitter is rife with them. 

It seemed to come from all sides…firstly a man commented on my last blog post, having a dig about me ‘taking Twitter too seriously’ and for blocking someone for just having a different opinon to mine. I don’t know who this man was, I’d obviously had a disagreement with him on Twitter that led to me blocking him. 

Should feel grateful that I made such an impression on him, that he sort me out to air his grievance. 

Then I was informed that an old Twitter acquaintance, who I had blocked the day before for reasons he wouldn’t be happy about me making public, had taken a screen shot of my profile with the message informing him he was blocked from viewing, and posted it on his TL for all his followers to see, some of which, follow me too.

The height of maturity…. He’s an intelligent man aswell, which makes it all the more sadder.

Then, I was informed again ( Twitter is a very small place) that the lovely woman that has a vendetta against me has been slagging me and my blog off on her TL…

That’s entirely her prerogative as it’s her TL and she can say what she likes, it’s just becoming very boring, repetitive and again, immature. 

Anyway, all this coming at me in the space of a few hours took it’s toll and I really just wanted to jack it all in. Let’s face it, there’s only so much one person can take, and I am pretty thin skinned about stuff like this.

When I woke up this morning I was in the mindset to go – I felt that Twitter wasn’t the best place for someone like me. I put out a tweet to inform people I was thinking about going…I needed more time to think.

Well, all I will say is that I was overwhelmed by the amount of messages I received asking me to stay, to ignore the haters.

These people made me remember why I joined Twitter in the first place and reinforced my belief in folk. 

So, to each and everyone of you that went out of your way today to contact me, and you know who you are, from the bottom of my heart, thank you ❤

And to those of you that don’t like me, that would like to see me leave Twitter, who want to try and wear me down….🖕

NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

Lies…

I talk about Twitter a lot, I know this..but it’s because it is actually a big part of my life. Some people may think that’s extremely sad, pathetic even, but I don’t care what those people think…not anymore. 

I have fallen out with, had arguments and disagreements with, unfollowed and blocked loads of people over the 8yrs I’ve been a Twitter user. It happens…you’re not going to get on with everyone – just like in real life. 

Some people take being unfollowed or blocked to heart, I admit I used to be like that…not anymore. It is what it is. I will block only when I feel it is necessary – dick pic’s in my dm’s, persistent dming when asked not to and bullying being three main reasons.I unfollow if people don’t interact; this is a big issue for me. Why be on social media if you’re not going to talk, acknowledge or even tweet your own words (constant RT’s). I also unfollow people that post selfies all the time – why do it?! The odd one here and there, fine…but every bloody day? No need. Or photos of you in the bath, lying on your bed, pouting like a duck…No. Need.

Anyway, I am digressing, the actual point to this post is the lies and Chinese Whispers that frequent Twitter.It’s always going to happen, I can’t stop them, but they frustrate me so much. 

I know there are a lot of untruths floating round the Twittersphere about me, and many of you would say ‘Who cares what people have heard about you, or think about you, you know the truth, that’s all that matters’ That’s all very well and good, but when you follow someone new for example, and they seem reluctant to talk, my mind goes into overdrive and the paranoia sets in. 

“Who’s said something to them?” “What have they heard?”

I think many friendships haven’t evolved because of this, and it’s that, that pisses me off.

So, what I am trying to say is, ask me. 

If you’ve heard a juicy tale about me and you want to know if it’s true…ask me. 

If you’ve heard I’ve done this, that and the other to Tom, Dick and Harry…ask me.

If I’ve blocked someone and you want to know why..just ask me. 

I am an open, honest person, and I’d like to think, approachable. I have nothing to hide, nothing.