I care too much….

I do, I really do and I think that’s starting to become a problem for me. 

I have so much going on in my own life and head, yet I take other people’s worries and concerns on my shoulders too. Not any old people, people I care about; family, friends, people I have met and speak to on a regular basis on Twitter. I want to help them if I can, would go out of my way to do something, anything that would help, or make a difference to them. 

That’s just me. 

But I think in doing so, throughout my life, I have been used, treated like crap and tossed aside without a second thought – and that hurts. 

My Sis-in-Law warned me, before starting my course, after having told her it was open to women with all different kinds of issues- alcohol and substance abuse being two, that I wasn’t to go there and try and ‘fix’ anyone. 

She has known me since I was 17, she knows what I’m like – I want to help people. But she also knows what doing that over the years has done to my self esteem- she’s just trying to protect me, and I love her for that, but, I am what I am.

So, if you ever find yourself in a position where you need a shoulder, an ear or just to have your mind taken off something, and I offer, it comes from a place deep down inside me, it’s because I care about you and I just want to be there if you need someone.

I do however, think I just need to think more before I offer, as sometimes, it’s just not appreciated and I end up feeling hurt and rejected.

All for caring just a bit too much….

The wrong ones…

I always seem to fall for the wrong men. 

My Sister-in-Laws cousin for example, when I was 17. He was interested, but not enough to ignore his ex’s constant interference.

Bingo Wayne who failed to tell me about his girlfriend and daughter. 

Phil, my Ex-husband of 15yrs…who married me even though he really didn’t want to, and didn’t love me in the way I wanted. Have a friend for life in him though, so not all bad. 

Then there’s that pesky Twitter. The place where it is so easy to have banter, flirt and get very close to people without ever being in the same room as them. 

There is a path of broken hearts strewn around Twitter….so easy it is to grow close to, even fall in love with people. On the other hand it is easy to lead on, give false hope and blatantly lie to people. 

I fell very hard for a man on Twitter, not long after my marriage broke down. I was sad, lonely and extremely vulnerable, and he, we shall name him R, came into my life when I needed someone. 

We grew very close, sharing allsorts about our lives, personal stuff and often our conversations were of a sexual nature. It was just what I needed at that time, and looking back now, was a total rebound on my part. 

As time went on , little things were niggling at me, the main issue being, every time we tried to arrange meeting, something would happen his end – he had to work, or his family needed him, always something. Another issue was that, he never gave me his phone number, always skirted over the issue when I brought it up. Bottom line was that I didn’t trust him, so I told him I couldn’t do ‘this’ anymore….he understood, we unfollowed eachother, but didn’t block, and that was that. From going to speaking to him everyday, to nothing.

I thought about him a lot over the next couple of months, couldn’t seem to shake him. I missed him. 

So one day I just decided to send him a DM, just asking how he was, very informal…it wasn’t because I wanted him back (if I actually had him in the first place) it was just his friendship I missed. He answered  straight away, and we kinda just fell back into how it was before, although this time, not sexy talk. He told me he had been seeing someone, but it wasn’t serious, just a bit of fun. My heart still dropped though…this upset me and I felt disappointed.

Anyway, I found out the woman he was seeing was an ex friend of mine on Twitter…I thought about it, and realised her sudden unfriending of me coincided with them getting together…funny that.

When she found out he was talking to me again, she copped, big style and there ensued the start of my problems with a popular woman and her hangers on, on Twitter. It was just all too much and I told him that was it and I closed my account.

I have no idea if he is still with this woman, or if in fact he is still on Twitter – I no longer care, they are welcome to each other. 

In between and after R, there have been a few fellas I was drawn to, but; married, unattainable or just not interested in me back-which never comes as a surprise to me. 

I have male friends on Twitter that say lovely things about me, one today said I had charm, I laughed and said ‘if I have all this charm why can’t I get a bloke that I like, to like me back!’

Maybe I’m just attracted to the wrong ones on purpose, lifes way of having a laugh.

Maybe I should take my friends advice he gave me today and ‘get yourself out there and meet someone in the flesh’ but that brings it’s own set of problems, my social anxiety for one, my low self esteem and lack of confidence another. In my experience ( which is very limited) men prefer confident ladies, not ones that blush constantly and look at their shoes.

I suppose that’s why I like Twitter so much, people get to know me, without me getting myself into a quivering mess on the floor, and yes, I know Twitter isn’t a dating site, I’m not using it for that reason, it’s just an added bonus if you come across someone you fancy, or more importantly, connect with.

I have a ‘Twitter Crush’ right now, but I gave myself a good talking to today and have decided to drawn a line under it…no more. 

Until the next one ha!

Rejection..

So, I write this after having been rejected for a job, yet again

Wasn’t even given an interview, AGAIN.

This job was well within my capabilites, I had confidence in my ability to do this job, I knew I could do it, but again…with the press of a button I was once again put into the reject pile.

People who have been in this situation will understand how I am feeling right now…

What’s the point? Will I ever be good enough? What more can I do to stand out to potential employers? How many more times will I be rejected? Why me? 

WHY ALWAYS ME? 

I joked on Twitter about becoming a prostitute, because, when something like this happens I make light of it, take the piss out of myself..when in actual fact I feel like crying, screaming even.

I just feel so frustrated, angry and upset..

If they had given me an interview, then decided I wasn’t right for the job, I could handle that better. At least they had actually spoken to me, asked me questions, given me an opportunity to sell myself. 

But this faceless rejection is just soul destroying. 

Rejection seems to be my middle name at the moment.

And quite frankly I’ve had enough.

Love..

Well seeing as it’s Valentines Day I thought I’d write a bit about love. 

It’s a funny old thing isn’t it? Doesn’t cost anything,but so hard to come by.

Looking back on my marriage I can honestly say I don’t think my ex loved me, well not in the way you’re ‘supposed’ to love your wife/husband. He cared about me, sure, he still does, but I never caught him just staring at me for no good reason, he never just spontaneously kissed me, or wrapped his arms around me for the sake of it. He said ‘I love you’ but now, they just seem like empty words, words that he felt he had to say, because I expected it. 

He never loved me in the way I, everyone, deserves and that makes me resentful, makes me angry. 

I look at couples in the streets, see how they behave towards each other,feel a pang of jealousy when they reach for eachother, or just simply hold hands – I want that. 

I’m not so stupid as to realise, it’s not always like that, that arguments happen, that jealousy is bubbling away under the surface- who knows what actually happens behind closed doors.But if there is love there..real “I’d do anything to make you happy” love, then you can overcome anything.

Well, that’s what I believe. Maybe I am deluded, maybe life isn’t like that, but…I want to believe it is. 

I want to believe there is someone out there for everyone. 

I want to believe there is someone out there for me. Someone who will accept me, wobbles and all. Who will accept my flaws and love them just as much as my strengths. Who will look at me for no particular reason other than to look. To laugh, cry and share with me

To love me. 

Unsolicited Dick Pic…

So, last night some random guy, that I’d never spoken to sent me a DM on Twitter. It was a photo of a Skyline with the message ‘thanks’ attached to it. Bemused I replied asking what I had done to deserve such thanks, he said ‘for the follow’ well this confused me even more as I didn’t recognise him at all. 

I clicked on his profile to double check, he followed me, but I hadn’t reciprocated. His account was quite large, had well over two thousand followers and I also noticed he lived in Scotland. 

I went back to my dm and told him I didn’t follow, thought that would be the end of it. 

He messaged again and said ‘that’s a shame, maybe now I would follow or would I need ‘bribed’ Well, I don’t like random people telling me what to do, so I ignored him 

My Dm pinged again, and low and behold he had sent me a picture of his cock, an arty angle so it got his face in the photo too. 

Well, to say I was a bit pissed off was an understatement! It wasn’t even a very nice cock and he certainly needed a trip to the barbers down there.

I said to him  ‘Dude! Why the actual fuck are you sending me that! What gives you the right to send me shit like that! I have taken a screenshot and will post on my TL if you don’t back the fuck away from me’ 

I think he panicked. I could hear his sphincter contract. He replied saying ‘ It wasn’t meant for you’ 

Well I decided this guy was a chancing Bell end, so I named and shamed him on my TL. People, not just men, shouldn’t be allowed to get away with this. If he wacked his junk out in the street, flashed someone, that is an arrestable offence, but on Twitter they seem to be able to do as they please. Women are the same, dm their tits or lady garden as soon as a bloke gives them a bit of attention, it’s pathetic  

When I was 13, my friend and I were flashed at whilst walking home from school. He did it to a few girls that day and the Police caught and arrested him. 

This isn’t any different. 

Anyway, when he saw my tweet, he dm’d telling me to remove it. I ignored, reported and blocked him.

He then deleted his account, but, I’m sure he’ll be back. 

I am no prude, if you want to share intimate photos of yourself with a consensual person, that is fine, but don’t think it’s ok to just send them because you ‘fancy’ someone or you think ‘they’ll be up for it’ because 9/10 they won’t be. 

I still have the screenshot just incase he comes back and gives me grief.

So be warned men of Twitter, if I haven’t asked to see your appendage and you send it anyway, be prepared to have it posted, for all to see on my TL.

Past relationships..

After reading another blogger and Tweeter’s post the other day got me thinking about my relationship history, or lack there of.

Al wrote about past ‘worst dates’ I can honestly say I’ve had none. No ‘worst dates’ of any kind.

When I was at school, I was painfully shy around boys that I fancied. Being mates with boys was easier than being friends with the girls, but if I ever got that funny feeling in my tummy over one, then, that was it…bright red face, sweaty palms, looking down at the floor stupidness.

That carried on till I was 19…yes, I was a virgin till then, I hadn’t even kissed a guy properly either, so shy was I.

Oh of course I had seen fellas that I liked from afar, but never did anything about it. Came close once with my now Sister-in-laws cousin. I really fancied him, he liked me too, but his attention kept being diverted by his then ex girlfriend and quite frankly, I didn’t want to fight for his attention. So it went nowhere….still see him occasionally and quite frankly, I dodged a bullet there! 

When I was 18 I started working in a bingo hall, yes I know, a bingo hall…but, it was a brilliant job, it helped me come out of my shell, and I made loads of friends and my social life was great 

There I met a bloke called Wayne. He was funny, had amazing eyes and I fell for him…we went out a few times in a group, we flirted, he made me feel special, I thought that maybe, I had finally met someone I could progress with. That was until his girlfriend popped into work one day to drop something off for him, oh and she had their daughter with her…funny, he never mentioned either of them to me before. 

He left work not long after that. 

I also left the bingo not long after, fancied a change, went to work in a clothing shop…lasted 3 months, bloody hated it, so went back to the bingo as they wanted me back. 

Walked in on my first day back and there was Phil, my now ex-husband, serving in the canteen. 

Now, Phil, to this day, maintains that I fancied him straight away, but, that isn’t the case, at all. I thought he was a nice bloke, funny, good looking, but I had been messed about by bingo men before! 

We found out we only lived 5 minutes away from each other, so we quickly fell into travelling to and from work together.

I don’t know what it was about Phil…but, I trusted him. We were friends first and foremost, but my feelings began to change for him, and his for me.

Neither of us asked each other out, we kinda just fell into it, it felt natural to be with him and I felt complete. 

20 years later we are no longer together, as you all know, after reading past posts, but we are still friends, and that will never change. 

Phil has been part of my life for half of it, and although we no longer love eachother in that way, I can’t ever imagine him not being in my life. 

I hope any future partners will understand that. 

So that’s it, my relationship history. Only slept with one man my entire life, not sure what people think of me for that, but…can’t change it. 

Day Oot..

Yesterday I went to Edinburgh with my best friend and most awesome human on the planet, Elidah my daughter.

She is fixated on the supernatural at the moment. To he fair we are a family of freaks when it comes to things like that, but she has started earlier than the rest of us. 

Here she is, standing on the spot they used to hang folk, in the Grassmarket, Edinburgh. You can see her making her ‘hanging’ face in the photo – she cracks me up!

My ex used to work in a pub down the Grassmarket, so I showed her all the places we used to go to on pub crawls, the stall that sold French crêpes we used to bombard whilst pished…it was nice to reminisce and share that with her.

Our next port of call was Greyfriars Kirkyard…Elidah has been researching this place for weeks! She is convinced (by all the stories, anecdotes and eyewitness accounts) that this place is as haunted as they come. Especially the tomb of one George Mackenzie – Advocate to the king. Apparently old George is now a poltergeist that often chucks things around and generally scares the bejesus out of anyone he doesn’t like the look of. 

We watched for a bit…called his name, did a little dance in front of his impressive tomb, but…nothing. George was quiet and quite frankly a let down. Think Elidah was secretly relieved, I asked her what she would have done if something had happened, she replied simply “crap myself”

After the disappointment of old George we spent a few minutes looking at the grave of the famous ‘GreyFriar’s Bobby’ the faithful dog that slept on his dead masters grave for 14yrs. 

There were fresh flowers lying, and sticks left for the little dog. Shame he couldn’t be buried with his owner, after guarding him for all those years…sad.

I think we will go back to the kirkyard soon…just to piss off old Georgie.